The hardest part about walking away from him is knowing that he won't run after me.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Contimplation (Dakota Drama Pt. II)
sigh... At this point I no longer know what to do with myself. I'm slowly gaining wieght, even with my ADHD meds which help break down my fat faster and excersize I still gain. The other day I was talking to Dakota and a couple of other people and Dakota brings up that once he graduates from high school he's never going to talk to anyone from high school except for like 3 or 4 people (of which 2 of them I'm really close to I might add) I can't help but to think he talked about this in front of me because he knows that I'm in love with him and he knows that it kills me when I hear something like that come from him. It tells me that he's still pissed off at me for the events that happened during ITS and the rest of that month. I don't know how many times I lie awake at night and think about what happened and what our relationship as friends would have amounted to if I had just kept my god damn mouth shut. I've always had issues with depression (by that I mean I used to cut my wrists, I got help and stopped after awhile) and when Dakota texted me saying me with stuff like how pissed off he was, the first thing I did was find the nearest sharp object I could find... and I cut myself... I hadn't done that in two years... two fucking years down the drain like that. I've never told him about that. I only wish I could tell him, but I'm afraid that if I did tell him he would think I was some kind of freak. I only did it because I cared that much about him and I still do. Now I know your what your thinking "If you cared so much about him, then why did you do what you did?" and that's what I don't know, I don't know why I did it. It wasn't me, I have no clue where it came from. If only he was more forgiving and I opened my mouth less often then I wouldn't be in this situation. Well then past is the past and that's the way it is. What I wouldn't give for a re-wind button right now. I miss my bestfriend. God I'm such an asshole!
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Honey, it's ok. I know it doesn't seem like it right now...but it will be alright. I take loads of anti-depressants to keep me from hurting myself. It's hard. If you ever need someone to talk to just let me know. Hell if nothing else I'll give you my number and you can call me if you feel like cutting yourself. I'll talk you through it. I'm here for you hun, I promise. I love you kiddo. HotMissa
ReplyDeleteThere will be other people you will fall in love with, and even if it doesn't seem like it now things will get better. There are people here for you to help you so if you ever feel depressed, don't cause yourself pain, hell you've been through enough. Love you bunches! If you need to talk let me know alright :)
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